The Style Invitational Week 877 Quipped from the
headlines
By The Empress
Saturday, July 10, 2010; C02
So "subjects," not
"citizens," flowed from Tom's pen --
I guess that's still shorter than
"fat rich white men."
Hardly anyone has time
anymore -- or at least the inclination -- to read long newspaper stories. Gone
are the days of leisurely discursions about The Meaning of It All. Now it's
about telling The Meaning of It All right up front, preferably getting in a lot
of keywords that the automated "bots" of the Google and Yahoo search
engines will notice.
We're not asking for the
keywords, but we do demand the Soul of Wit (along with said wit). This week:
Write a rhyming couplet about some matter in the news, as in the example above
from 50-time Loser Anne Paris of Arlington, who suggested this contest way back
in the days of Balloon Boy.
Winner gets the Inker, the
Style Invitational trophy. Second place
receives an actual pretty good book called "Are You a Miserable Old
Bastard?," a collection of curmudgeonly witty quotes, donated by the
pre-curmudgeonly Loser Tom Witte.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, July 19. Put "Week 877" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 7. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart;
this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Craig Dykstra.
Report from Week 873, in which we presented a filled-in crossword puzzle grid, minus a few
letters from each word. You got to fill in the letters for any of the words
yourselves -- forming either an existing word or phrase or one you coined --
and provide a funny definition. The week's most frequently submitted entry was
44 Across: "Mightier than the sword." Oh gosh, you naughty people, you.
The winner of the Inker
36A: GO FOR THE REGULAR:
Rallying cry of the mediocre. (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac)
2. winner of the
pooping-horse key chain stuck in poop position:
36A: GO FOR IT MS SALAHI:
Michaele's morning mirror mantra. (Randy Lee, Burke)
3. 20A: NIXED: What happened
to that 18 minutes of tape. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
4.27A: GONAD: A cheer for
Octomom. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)
Clues but no cigar: Honorable Mentions
1A: DREDLUST: How Stella got
her groove back. (Christopher Lamora)
1A: DONTLUST: What it took a
clubbing to teach Tiger. (Steve Gorman, Falls Church)
1A: DADALUST: Being hot for
MoMA. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich)
17A: PORNBEAR:
Genital Ben. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
19A: SSA: Another gusher
needing to be capped. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)
20A: FIXED: What Viagra does.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
20A: NIXTY: Age at which you
started saying no when you used to say yes. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
30A: OVULATTE: Breeding
grounds. (Beverley Sharp)
30A: OVALCUBE: Symbolic White
House downsizing. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
36A: GO FORTH AND DRILL:
Energy policy of the religious right. (Stu Solomon, Chapel Hill, N.C.)
40A: MINCES: Tiny critters
slaughtered to make pies at Christmastime. (Jeff Contompasis)
42A: BRANEMEN: The guys who
belong to Densa. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)
50A: APTLY: How Tom sought
temp. housing. (Jeff Contompasis)
59A: JINTAO: Who's
Hu in China? (Chris Doyle)
59A: BUN TAX: Airline
surcharge for large-seated passengers. (Pat Kanz, Ocean Pines, Md.)
59A: MANTAG: That ritual
athletes have of slapping each other on the butt. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)
61A: AGYNDA: The platform of
NOW. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
62A: STOMPTOE: A
basic step in the ox trot. (Chris Doyle)
1D: DOTE: Poison. (Jeff
Contompasis)
7D: SHOX: With
"Aw," what the student said after "Don't tase me, bro."
(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
8D: THRASH MY BIG ZITS: The
new in-your-face name for Clearasil. (Howard Walderman)
19D: LEARIER: Newly wary
about your children's motives when they suck up to you. (Christopher Lamora)
21D: BEERDED: Foamy around
the mouth after too big a swig. (Brendan Williamson, Richmond, a First
Offender)
21D: MERRIER: How the widow
felt after taking off her corset. (Beverley Sharp)
25D: FLAWS: Anti-profanity
ordinances. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
27D: YUGO: What doesn't
happen much in your Serbian car. (Ed Gordon, Austin)
28D: THOU BUTT UG: Quaker
trash talk. (Howard Walderman)
30D: OBLIVIA: Country whose
national flower is the forget-me. (Christopher Lamora)
43D: ASPOTS: What they found
on Cleopatra. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)
43D: ASSETS: Where the pain
hits when the investments tank. (Dan Gordon, Arlington)
44D: PRYOFF: Not the cap you
want on your bottle of heart medicine. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Next week: Stat us, or Defacebook
The bad and the ugly: More movie wordplays from Week
871
Saturday, July 10, 2010; 12:00 AM
More honorable mentions from
Week 871, in which we asked you to change a movie title by adding, deleting or
changing one letter, or transposing two nearby ones:
Apocalypso Now: Napalm come
and me wan' go home. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
A la Tar: An ingenious Cajun
chef saves Grandma's restaurant by adapting seafood recipes to new conditions
and calling it Nouvoil Cuisine. (Cy Gardner, Arlington, Va.)
A Beautiful Hind: The J-Lo
story. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Ben-Hurl: A
vomitory attendant at the Circus Maximus dreams of becoming a charioteer.
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
A Rug's Life: A vain man
discovers that his new toupee (voiced by Gilbert Gottfried) has an in-your-face
personality of its own. (Will Cramer, Herndon, Va.)
Hamadeus: Phil Silvers is
driven to insane jealousy by the effortless genius of Jerry Lewis. (Michael
Fransella, Arlington)
The Food: The Bad and the
Ugly: An Army training film. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
It's a Wonderful Lift: How
the Wonderbra is reshaping America. (Seth Tucker, Washington)
Lorenzo's Moil: Unable to
find a competent rabbi, a family attempts the bris on its own. (Craig Dykstra,
Centreville, Va.)
Raiders of the Lost Mark:
South Carolina state police, the National Guard and the national press corps
search the entire Appalachian Trail looking for Gov. Sanford. (Ira Allen,
Bethesda, Md.)
A Night to Demember: Lorena
Bobbitt reminisces about life with John. (Seth Tucker)
O Brothel Where Art Thou?:
Three prison escapees on an urgent quest. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
The Seventh Seat: A knight
plays musical chairs with Death. (Carla Haus, Chevy Chase, Md., a First
Offender)
Silence of the Iambs: A poet
struggles desperately with writer's block. (Sheri Tardio, Prince Frederick,
Md.)
Headline by Roy Ashley,
Washington